Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

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9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked.

14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

15. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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