Today in History (January 31st)

Aquarius (January 20th to February 18th)
Today is the 31st day of the year.
There are 334 days left in the year.

1560: Spanish king Philip II marries Elisabeth de Valois.

1573: Birthdays: Giulio Cesare Monteverdi, Composer.

1606: Deaths: Guy Fawkes, Convicted in the ‘Gunpowder Plot’, executed at 35.

1675: Cornelia/Dina Olfaarts found not guilty of witchcraft.

1679: Jean-Baptiste Lully’s opera ‘Bellerophon,’ premieres in Paris.

1696: Uprising of undertakers after funeral reforms (Amsterdam).

1734: Birthdays: Robert Morris, Merchant (signed Declaration of Independence); Julien-Amable Mathieu, Composer.

1751: Birthdays: Gouverneur Morris, Co-author of the U.S. Constitution.

1759: Birthdays: Francois Devienne, Composer.

1788: Deaths: [Bonnie Prince] Charles E. Stuart, English pretender to the throne, died at 67.

1797: Birthdays: Franz Peter Schubert, Lichtenthal, Austria, Composer (Unfinished Symphony).

1804: British vice-admiral William Bligh’s (of HMS Bounty infamy) fleet reaches Curacao.

1828: Deaths: Alexandros Ypsilanti, Greek resistance fighter, died at 35.

1851: Gail Borden announces invention of evaporated milk.

1863: 1st black Civil War regiment, SC Volunteers, mustered into US army.

1865: Gen Robert E Lee named Commander-in-Chief of Confederate Armies. Congress passes 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery in America (121-24).

1868: Birthdays: Theodore William Richards, Chemist (atomic weights, Nobel-1914).

1872: Birthdays: Zane Grey, American West Novelist (Riders of the Purple Sage).

1874: Jesse James gang robs train at Gads Hill, Missouri.

1882: Birthdays: Anna Pavlova, Saint Petersburg, Russia, Ballerina/Choreographer.

1892: Birthdays: Eddie Cantor, Comedian.

1895: Jose Marti and others leave NYC for invasion of Spanish Cuba.

1901: Chekhov’s ‘Three Sisters’ opens at Moscow Art Theater.

1902: Birthdays: Tallulah Bankhead, Actress.

1905: Birthdays: John Henry O’Hara, Pottstown, Pennsylvania, Novelist (Appointment at Samarra).

1914: Birthdays: Jersey Joe Walcott, Boxer.

1915: 1st (German) poison gas attack, against Russians. Birthdays: Thomas Merton, France, Trappist Monk/Poet/Essayist; Garry Moore, Radio/Television personality.

1917: Germany notifies US that U-boats will attack neutral merchant ship.

1919: Birthdays: Jackie Robinson, Georgia, First black major league baseball player (Dodgers).

1921: Birthdays: Mario Lanza, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Actor/Singer (Great Caruso, Toast of New Orleans); Carol Channing Washington, Actress (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Hello Dolly).

1922: Birthdays: Joanne Dru, Actress.

1923: Birthdays: Norman Mailer, New Jersey, New York City, New York Mayoral Candidate/Author/Novelist (Naked and the Dead).

1925: Birthdays: Benjamin Hooks, Civil rights leader.

1926: Birthdays: Jean Simmons, London, England, Actress (Thorn Birds, Guys and Dolls).

1928: Scotch tape 1st marketed by 3-M Company.

1929: The Soviet Union expelled communist revolutionary Leon Trotsky. He was assassinated in Mexico in August 1940.

1931: Birthdays: Ernie Banks, Baseball Hall of Fame member.

1937: Birthdays: Suzanne Pleshette, Actress.

1938: Birthdays: James G. Watt, Colorado, United States Secretary of Interior (1981-83); Beatrix, Queen of Netherlands.

1940: 40 U boats sunk this month (111,000 ton).

1941: Jessica Walter, Actress.

1942: 62 U boats sunk this month (327,000 ton).

1943: Gen Friedrich von Paulus surrenders to Russian troops at Stalingrad. Chile breaks contact with Germany and Japan. 39 U boats sunk this month (203,100 ton).

1944: US forces invade Kwajalein Atoll. U-592 sunk off Ireland. Operation Overlord (D-Day) postponed until June.

1945: Deaths: Eddie Slovik, 1st US soldier executed by firing squad for desertion since Civil War at 25.

1947: Birthdays: Nolan Ryan, Baseball Hall-of-Famer.

1950: U.S. President Harry Truman announced he had ordered development of the hydrogen bomb.

1951: Birthdays: Phil Collins, Singer; KC, Singer/Musician (KC and the Sunshine Band). Chart Toppers: The Shot Gun Boogie by Tennessee Ernie Ford; Tennessee Waltz by Patti Page; My Heart Cries for You by Guy Mitchell; A Bushell and a Peck by Perry Como and Betty Hutton.

1953: Nearly 2,000 people died when the North Sea flooded the Netherlands.

1954: Deaths: Edwin H. Armstrong, US radio inventor (FM), committed suicide at 63.

1955: RCA demonstrates 1st music synthesizer.

1956: Birthdays: Johnny Rotten, Rock Singer.

1958: James van Allen discovers radiation belt. Explorer I was launched from Cape Canaveral, Fla, becoming the first successful American satellite to be launched into orbit around the earth by a Jupiter-C rocket. Radio signals from the transmitter aboard the 30.8 pound satellite were picked up in California within a few minutes after the launch. Two months earlier, the first attempt to launch a satellite had failed.

1959: Birthdays: Kelly Lynch, Actress; Anthony LaPaglia, Actor. Chart Toppers: The All American Boy by Bill Parsons; Smoke Gets in Your Eyes by The Platters; Donna by Ritchie Valens; Billy Bayou by Jim Reeves.

1961: NASA launches a rocket carrying Ham the Chimp, 1st primate into space (158 miles) aboard Mercury/Redstone 2.

1964: US report ‘Smoking and Health’ connects smoking to lung cancer. Birthdays: Martha MacCallum, Television news commentator.

1967: Chart Toppers: There Goes My Everything by Jack Greene; Tell It Like It Is by Aaron Neville; I’m a Believer by The Monkees; Georgy Girl by The Seekers.

1968: Viet Cong’s Tet offensive begins.

1970: Birthdays: Minnie Driver, Actress.

1971: ‘My Sweet Lord’ by George Harrison hit #1 on UK pop chart.

1972: Deaths: Howard Barlow, Conductor (Voice of Firestone), died at 79.

1973: Birthdays: Portia de Rossi, Actress.

1974: Deaths: Samuel Goldwyn, Polish/English/US film magnate (MGM), died at 91.

1975: Barry Manilow’s ‘Mandy’ goes gold. Chart Toppers: Please Mr. Postman by Carpenters; Laughter in the Rain by Neil Sedaka; Fire by Ohio Players; (I’d Be) A Legend in My Time by Ronnie Milsap.

1981: Birthdays: Justin Timberlake, Singer/Actor (‘N Sync).

1982: The Israeli Cabinet agreed to a multinational peacekeeping force to act as a buffer between Israel and Egypt in the Sinai Peninsula.

1983: Chart Toppers: Talk to Me by Mickey Gilley; Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye; Down Under by Men at Work; Africa by Toto.

1986: Mary Lund of Minn, is 1st female recipient of an artificial heart.

1989: Deaths: Jack Douglas, humorist (My Brother Was an Only Child), died at 80.

1990: The first McDonald’s restaurant opened in Moscow, Russia as the world’s biggest McDonalds.

1991: Chart Toppers: The First Time by Surface; Sensitivity by Ralph Tresvant; Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) by C and C Music Factory, featuring Freedom Williams; Forever’s as Far as I’ll Go by Alabama.

1992: Sportscaster Howard Cosell retires.

1994: Barcelona opera theater ‘Gran Teatro del Liceo’ burns down. Deaths: Pierre Boulle, French writer (Executioner), died at 81.

1995: U.S. President Bill Clinton used his emergency authority to provide financially troubled Mexico with a $20 billion loan. Deaths: George Abbott, Playwright/Actor/Producer (Damn Yankees), died at 105.

1996: A suicide bombing at Sri Lanka’s main bank killed nearly 100 people and injured more than 1,000.

1999: A team of international scientists reported it traced the predominant strain of the AIDS virus to a subspecies of chimpanzee that lived in parts of Africa.

2000: Illinois Gov. George Ryan halted executions in the state after several death row inmates were found to be innocent of the crimes for which they were to be put to death.

2001: A Scottish court meeting in the Netherlands convicted a Libyan man, Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed al-Megrahi, in the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103. The plane exploded over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people, including 11 on the ground. (The convicted bomber died in 2012.)

2003: 18 people on a bus were killed when a bomb destroyed a bridge near Kandahar in southern Afghanistan. Last Week’s Box Office Top 10: Darkness Falls; Kangaroo Jack; Chicago; National Security; The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers; Catch Me If You Can; Just Married; Confessions of a Dangerous Mind; About Schmidt; The Hours.

2005: A U.S. judge in Washington ruled the process for determining enemy combatants at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was unconstitutional.

2006: Samuel Alito was confirmed by the U.S. Senate as an associate justice on the U.S. Supreme Court by a 58-42 vote. He succeeded retiring Justice Sandra O’Connor.

2008: In the U.S. presidential primaries, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton continued to vie for the Democratic nomination while John Edwards pulled out. On the Republican side, John McCain, once struggling to stay in the race, made his move with wins in South Carolina and Florida as Rudy Giuliani ended his bid.

2011: A U.S. judge in Florida ruled the healthcare reform law’s requirement for mandatory health insurance was unconstitutional and struck down the entire law, saying the provision cannot be dealt with alone. The White House called the ruling judicial overreaching.

2012: A U.S. congressional report accused the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives of bungling a sting operation called Fast and Furious in which about 2,000 guns were slipped into Mexico in an effort to nab real smugglers. Things went awry when it was discovered some of the weapons were used in crimes, including the killing of a U.S. Border Patrol agent. The Dow Jones industrial average and the Standard and Poor 500 had their best January since 1997 and Nasdaq joined with a significant increase.

2013: An explosion caused by a gas leak at the Mexico City offices of state oil company Pemex killed nearly 40 people and injured scores of others.

2014: The Dow Jones industrial average closed at 15,698.52, ending its worst January in five years. The Dow fell more than 5 percent during the month.


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Quotes (January 31st)

“Never cut what you can untie.” – Joseph Joubert, essayist (1754-1824)

“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” – Albert Camus

“A thought for the day: A competitor will find a way to win. Competitors take bad breaks and use them to drive themselves just that much harder. Quitters take bad breaks and use them as reasons to give up. It’s all a matter of pride.” – Nancy Lopez

“A thought for the day: I think the key is for women not to set any limits.” – Martina Navratilova

“Ah, good taste, what a dreadful thing! Taste is the enemy of creativeness.” – Pablo Picasso, painter and sculptor (1881-1973)

“The machine has got to be accepted, but it is probably better to accept it rather as one accepts a drug — that is, grudgingly and suspiciously. Like a drug, the machine is useful, dangerous, and habit-forming. The oftener one surrenders to it the tighter its grip becomes.” – George Orwell, novelist (1903-1950)

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)

“When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out.” – Otto von Bismarck

“It is difficult to picture the great Creator conceiving of a program of one creature (which He has made) using another living creature for purposes of experimentation. There must be other, less cruel ways of obtaining knowledge.” – Adlai Stevenson, American statesman (1835-1914)

“Omit needless words. Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts.” – William Strunk, Jr., professor and author (1869-1946)

“Swords and guns have no eyes.” – Chinese proverb

“According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men.” – Jay Leno

“An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.” – Buddha

“Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.” – Woody Allen

“Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.” – H. L. Mencken

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” – Rita Mae Brown

“It is now possible to protest in front of the White House by hiring a stand in. I am not making this up. You email this company on what issue you are mad about and they provide you with a sign and your own personalized protester to stand in front of the White House. Now how fat and lazy is this generation? Isn’t that the ultimate irony, you send somebody in your place to picket against cloning?” – Jay Leno

“If he were to leave the country and take some of his family members with him and others in the leading elite that have been responsible for so much trouble during the course of his regime, we would, I am sure, try to help find a place for them to go. That certainly would be one way to avoid war.” – U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, as the administration weighed whether to set a deadline for Saddam Hussein to disarm while offering to try to help find a haven for the Iraqi president and his “henchmen” as a way to avert war

“The reason sales figures are unaffected is that Americans don’t like to be preached to by lifestyle police…Right now. consumers don’t value fuel efficiency as highly as other attributes. Anytime gasoline is cheaper than designer bottled water, it’s not a big deal.” – Eron Shosteck, a spokesman for the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers, on new data which found that SUVs have become the most coveted and most reviled vehicles in America

“The deficit is getting too big to be ignored. The number is getting to the point where it scares people.” – Stan Collender, head of the federal budget consulting group at public relations firm Fleishman-Hillard Inc., as U.S. Congressional forecasters raised their estimates of government budget deficits to $199 billion for the next few years


Jackie Robinson
Born: January 31st, 1919
Died: 1972
Birthplace: Georgia
Profession: First black American major league baseball player (Dodgers)

“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.”

“Above anything else, I hate to lose.”

“Baseball is like a poker game. Nobody wants to quit when he’s losing; nobody wants you to quit when you’re ahead.”

“How you played in yesterday’s game is all that counts.”

“I guess you’d call me an independent, since I’ve never identified myself with one party or another in politics. I always decide my vote by taking as careful a look as I can at the actual candidates and issues themselves, no matter what the party label.”

“I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me… All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.”

“It kills me to lose. If I’m a troublemaker, and I don’t think that my temper makes me one, then it’s because I can’t stand losing. That’s the way I am about winning, all I ever wanted to do was finish first.”

“Life is not a spectator sport. If you’re going to spend your whole life in the grandstand just watching what goes on, in my opinion you’re wasting your life.”

“Pop flies, in a sense, are just a diversion for a second baseman. Grounders are his stock trade.”


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Definitions from The Broken Dictionary

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tried to do.


Backfield-in-Motion: Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Benchwarmer: Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blitz: The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.


Cafeteria: College: From 2 Latin words, “cafe” meaning place to eat and “teria” meaning to wretch.

Capitalism:

1. You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

2. Bankers’ Capitalism: You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.

Career-Minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Casual Work Atmosphere: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Communism:

1. Pure Communism: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need.” Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

2. Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much as you can and sell it on the black market.

3. Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.


Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Democracy:

1. Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

2. Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

3. Bureaucratic Democracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Disconfect (v.) To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Don’t worry about it, I got it: Women: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to ‘Nothing’.

Dopelar Effect: (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Draw Play: What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.


Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Elbonics (n.) The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

End Run: Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.


Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

Feedback: Parents: The inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the mashed carrots.

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Flex Defence: The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Frust (n.) The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.


Gargoyle: (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Go Ahead:
Women (with raised eyebrows) – This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
Women (normal eyebrows) – This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Grade: College: Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.

Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.


Half-time: The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Halfback Option: The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Hearsay: Parents: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Hunger: College: Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.


Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Instant Replay: The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.

Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


Join Our Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you.


Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.


Lactomangulation (n.) Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either.”

Leftbank: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

Loud Sigh: Women: This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are a nincompoop and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to the meaning of nothing.)

Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Lymph: (v), to walk with a lisp.


Major: College: Area of study that no longer interest you.

Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Marionettes: (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Marriage: Men: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Much client contact: You handle the phone or make “cold calls” on clients.

Must Be Deadline Oriented: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Must Have An Eye For Detail: We have no quality control.

Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.


Negligent: (adj), describes a condition where you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

No Phone Calls Please: We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Nothing: Women: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.


Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Oh: (Women) This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows “Go ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that we can’t bring ourselves to write about them.

OhNo-Second: That minuscule fraction of time in which realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. Like making the selection that reformats your hard drive.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway “See I am not injured yet.”

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

Oyster: (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.


Paradox: Two physicians.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Peppier (n.) The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free market.”

Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Phonesia (n.) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.

Please Do: (Women) This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Political Correctness: Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a dog turd by the clean end. Source: 2007 Texas A&M University Contest.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Prenatal: Parents: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Problem-Solving Skills A Must: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Puddle: Parents: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

Pupkus (n.) The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.


Quarter: College: The most coveted form of currency on campus.

Quarterback Sneak: Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.


Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Relief: What trees do in the Spring.

Requires Team Leadership Skills: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.


Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything and then leaves.

Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Semantics: (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest’s prayer book together just before mass.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Socialism:

1. Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

2. Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Soft Sigh: Women: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Staying in the Pocket: What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.

Sterilize: Parents: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

Stucco: What happens when you step in bubblegummo.

Student Athlete: College: See “contraction in terms.”

Summer School: College: A viable alternative to a summer job.

Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.

Sudden Death: What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes “overtime.”

Surrealism: You have two polka-dotted giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power…

Teenager: God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

Telecrastination (n.) The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

That’s Okay: (Women) This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Thanks: (Women) A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say: “You’re welcome.”

Thanks a lot: (Women) This is much different from “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks a lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.

Top Bunk: Parents: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

Trap: You’re called on to pray and are asleep.

Two-minute Warning: The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.


Whatever: Women: Is a women’s way of saying ‘SCREW YOU’!

Whoops: Parents: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a washrag.”


Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.


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Meretricious

PRONUNCIATION: (mer-eh-TRISH-ehs or mer-i-TRISH-uhs)
http://wordsmith.org/words/meretricious.mp3

MEANING:
(adjective)

  • 1. Gaudy, vulgar, especially attracting attention by being gaudy or vulgar.
  • 2. Appealing in a cheap or showy manner: tawdry.
  • 3. Based on pretense or insincerity.
  • (adverb) Meretriciously;
    (noun) Meretriciousness.

    ETYMOLOGY: Entered English in the 17th century from Latin meretricius, meretrix, meretric- “prostitute” in turn from merere “to earn; deserve.” (The idea of the “working girl” goes way back.) The same stem appears in “merit” and “turmeric” (from Latin “terra merita” via French).

    NOTES: {notes}

    USAGE:
    “Melinda’s tenth-grade daughter seems to equate ‘creativity’ with the wearing of meretricious outfits.”

    “For most of the 20th century John Singer Sargent’s skills as a portraitist were deemed to be meretricious.” – Waldemar Januszczak; A Dirty Old Man And the Sea?; The Sunday Times (London, UK); Jul 11, 2010.

    http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/meretricious

    Explore “meretricious” in the Visual Thesaurus.
    http://visualthesaurus.com/?w1=meretricious


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    Mother Reclassification

    A woman renewing her driver’s license at the County Clerk’s office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

    “What I mean is,” explained the recorder, “do you have a job, or are you just a …..?”

    “Of course I have a job,” snapped Emily. “I’m a mother.”

    “We don’t list ‘mother’ as an occupation…’housewife’ covers it,” said the recorder emphatically.

    I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high – sounding title like “Official Interrogator” or “Town Registrar.”

    “What is your occupation?” she probed.

    What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out.

    “I’m a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.”

    The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

    “Might I ask,” said the clerk with new interest, “just what you do in your field?”

    Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, “I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn’t) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I’m working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of- the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.”

    There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk’s voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

    As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants – ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (6 months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

    I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than “just another mother.”

    Motherhood…what a glorious career. Especially when there’s a title on the door.

    Does this make grandmothers “Senior Research Associates in the Field of Child Development and Human Relations”, and great – grandmothers “Executive Senior Research Associates”? I think so!

    I also think it makes aunts “Associate Research Assistants!”

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    Trivia

    In 1878, Thomas Edison invented the phonograph.

    In the fairy tale Bluebeard, 6 of his wives failed Bluebeard’s test of obedience and paid with their lives.

    Justin Timberlake meet his fiance, Britney Spears, on the set of the “New Mickey Mouse Club Show.” Both were 11 years old.

    How did Velcro come about?
    George de Mestral, a Swiss engineer, returned from a walk one day in 1948 and found some cockleburs clinging to his cloth jacket. Upon examining one under his microscope he discovered a maze of thin strands with burrs (or hooks) on the ends that cling to fabrics or animal fur. Recognizing the potential for a practical new fastener, he spent the next eight years perfecting a new type of fastener called Velcro. It consisted of two strips of nylon fabric, one with thousands of small hooks, the other strip with small loops. When the two strips are pressed together, they form a strong bond. Strong, easily separated, lightweight, durable, and washable, Velcro comes in a variety of colors, and doesn’t jam.

    Where is fermented milk a popular beverage?
    Kefir is a fermented camel’s milk beverage with a 2 – 3% alcohol content, popular in the Caucasus (a region between the Black Sea and the Caspian Sea). Kefir was originally made from camel’s milk, but is now frequently made from cow’s milk.

    How did the ancients think that the eye saw?
    It is a comparatively recent insight that light travels from the object to the eye. Until about 400 years ago, it was thought that there was “something” in the eye that went out and saw the object.

    Which college had the first campus?
    The first college on record to use the word “campus” to describe its grounds was Princeton. “Campus” is Latin for “field.”

    How many eyes does a bee have?
    A bee has five eyes, two large compound eyes on either side of its head, and three ocelli (primitive eyes) on top of its head to detect light intensity.

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    Punch Lines

    A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand

    A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

    A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

    A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen… And This Kitchen Is Delirious

    Help keep the kitchen clean – Eat OUT

    Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

    If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast and cheap.

    My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines

    No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

    Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator

    I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, “Watch it!!! There are plenty more ribs where YOU came from!”

    She had a look on her face that was so sweet, you could pour it on a waffle!

    Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

    Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees, then name streets after them.

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    Today in History (January 30th)

    There are 335 days left in the year.

    1647 King Charles I handed over to English parliament.

    1649 Deaths: Charles I King of Great Britain (1625-49), beheaded by order of Parliament for treason.

    1798 The first fight to break out on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives began when one congressman spat in another’s face.

    1800 US population: 5,308,483; Black population 1,002,037 (18.9%).

    1815 Burned Library of Congress reestablished with Jefferson’s 6500 volumes.

    1820 Edward Bransfield discovers Antarctica (UK claim).

    1826 The Menai Suspension Bridge was opened.

    1835 A gunman fired twice on President Andrew Jackson, the first attempt on the life of a U.S. president. Jackson wasn’t injured.

    1862 US Navy’s 1st ironclad warship (Monitor) launched.

    1882 Birthdays: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 32nd United States President (1933-1945).

    1894 Pneumatic hammer patented by Charles King of Detroit. Birthdays: Boris III Czar of Bulgaria (1918-43).

    1912 Birthdays: Barbara Tuchman, Historian.

    1922 Birthdays: Dick Martin Detroit, Michigan, Actor/Comedian (Laugh-In).

    1925 Turkish government throws out Constantine VI of Constantinople.

    1927 Birthdays: Olof Palme Stockholm, Prime Minister of Sweden (1969-76, 1982-86), assassinated in 1986.

    1928 Birthdays: Theatrical producer Hal Prince.

    1931 Birthdays: Gene Hackman, California, Actor (Bonnie and Clyde, Under Fire, Superman).

    1933 Adolph Hitler named German Chancellor, forms govt with Von Papen. ‘Lone Ranger’ begins a 21-year run on ABC radio.

    1937 Birthdays: Vanessa Redgrave, Actress; Boris Spassky, Chess champion.

    1941 Birthdays: Dick Cheney, United States Vice President; Gregory Benford, Author.

    1942 Birthdays: Marty Balin, Rock ‘n roll Hall of Fame member (Jefferson Airplane).

    1943 The British air force bombed Berlin in a daylight raid timed to coincide with a speech by Joseph Goebbels in honor of Hitler’s 10th year in power. Birthdays: Davy Johnson, Baseball Manager (New York Mets).

    1946 1st issue of Franklin Roosevelt dime.

    1947 Birthdays: Steve Marriott, Rock ‘n roll Hall of Fame member (Small Faces).

    1948 Deaths: Orville Wright, US aviation pioneer, died at 76. Mohandes Ghandi, Indian religious and political leader, assassinated in New Delhi. His killer was a Hindu extremist.

    1951 Birthdays: Phil Collins, Rock ‘n roll Hall of Fame member (Genesis); Charles S. Dutton, Actor. Deaths: Ferdinand Porsche German car inventor (Porsche), died at 75.

    1955 Birthdays: Curtis Strange, Golfer.

    1956 Martin Luther King Jr’s home bombed. Elvis Presley records his version of ‘Blue Suede Shoes’.

    1957 Birthdays: Payne Stewart, Golfer.

    1958 Birthdays: Brett Butler, Actress/Comedian. Chart Toppers: The Story of My Life by Marty Robbins; Stood Up/Waitin’ in School by Ricky Nelson; Don’t/I Beg of You by Elvis Presley; At the Hop by Danny and The Juniors.

    1959 Birthdays: Jody Watley, Singer.

    1965 State funeral of Winston Churchill.

    1966 Chart Toppers: We Can Work It Out by The Beatles; No Matter What Shape (Your Stomach’s In) by The T-Bones; Giddyup Go by Red Sovine; Barbara Ann by The Beach Boys.

    1968 After calling for a cease-fire during the Tet holiday celebrations, North Vietnam and the Viet Cong attacked the South Vietnamese capital of Saigon, temporarily occupying the U.S. Embassy.

    1969 The Beatles staged an impromptu concert on the roof of Apple Records in London. The event, which became part of the documentary film Let It Be, was the last public appearance by the Beatles. Deaths: Allan Welsh Dulles, US Diplomat/Director (CIA 1953-61), died at 75.

    1972 In what became known as Bloody Sunday, British soldiers opened fire on unarmed civilian demonstrators in the Bogside, Londonderry, Ireland, 13 people lay dead and 17 wounded, one of whom died later. One man who was photographed being arrested and taken into a British army Saracen was later found shot dead. The march, which was called to protest internment, was ‘illegal’ according to British government authorities. Internment without trial was introduced by the British government on August 9, 1971. The British government-appointed Widgery Tribunal found soldiers were not guilty of killing the 13 marchers.

    1973 Jury finds Watergate defendants Liddy and McCord guilty on all counts.

    1974 Birthdays: Christian Bale, Actor. Chart Toppers: You’re Sixteen by Ringo Starr; The Way We Were by Barbra Streisand; Love’s Theme by Love Unlimited Orchestra; I Love by Tom T. Hall.

    1976 George Bush becomes 11th director of CIA (until 1977).

    1979 The Iranian government announced it would let Shiite Muslim leader Ayatollah Khomeini return from exile. Washington responded by ordering the evacuation of all U.S. dependents from Iran.

    1980 Birthdays: Wilmer Valderrama, Actor (That 70’s Show). Deaths: Professor Longhair, King of New Orleans music, died at 61.

    1982 Chart Toppers: The Sweetest Thing (I’ve Ever Known) by Juice Newton; I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do) by Daryl Hall and John Oates; Harden My Heart by Quarterflash; Centerfold by The J. Geils Band.

    1990 Birthdays: Jake Thomas, Actor. Chart Toppers: Nobody’s Home by Clint Black; Just to Make It Right by Seduction; How Am I Supposed to Live Without You by Michael Bolton; Downtown Train by Rod Stewart.

    1991 Iraqi armored forces charged out of Kuwait and engaged allied forces in Khafji, Saudi Arabia. Twelve U.S. Marines were killed in the heaviest ground fighting of the Gulf War.

    1993 Parents donated portions of their own lungs to their daughter with cystic fibrosis in pioneering transplant surgery in Los Angeles.

    1995 42 people were killed when a car bomb exploded in Algiers, Algeria. The U.N. Security Council authorized deployment of 6,000 peacekeepers to Haiti.

    1999 NATO ambassadors gave the organization authority to attack military targets in Serbia if Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic continued to violate the 1998 cease-fire negotiated with the rebels in Kosovo.

    2003 A U.S. judge sentenced Richard Reid to life in prison for trying to set off plastic explosives in his shoes on a trans-Atlantic flight in 2001. AOL Time Warner said it was writing down the value of AOL by $35 billion and of its cable division $10 billion, bringing a total loss of assets since the 2001 merger of AOL and Time Warner to nearly $100 billion.

    2005 Despite widespread violence, about 60 percent of Iraqi voters cast ballots in the country’s first free election in half a century. At least 22 people died in Election Day violence.

    2008 The U.S. Federal Reserve cut short-term interest rates by one half of a percentage point to help the sagging economy while the U.S. Senate sought passage of the $161 billion economic stimulus package.

    2009 U.S. stock exchanges reported their weakest January in more than a century with the Dow Jones industrial average showing a one-month decline of 8.8 percent, closing at 8,000.86. The January unemployment rate jumped to 7.6 percent.

    2010 The United Nations reported that at least 84 U.N. employees died in the Haitian earthquake and another 15 were missing.

    2011 International aid groups said red tape and corruption in Haiti were withholding a massive array of supplies one year after a major earthquake ravaged the country.

    2012 At least 11 people were killed in a string of crashes on a stretch of I-75 near Gainesville, Fla., engulfed in brush fire smoke. Police said at least 12 passenger cars and about seven tractor-trailers were involved.


    Posted in Thoughts for the Day | Comments Off on Today in History (January 30th)

    Quotes (January 30th)

    “I shall live badly if I do not write, and I shall write badly if I do not live.” – Francoise Sagan, playwright and novelist (1935-2004)

    “Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” – Albert Camus

    “I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.” – Janette Barber

    “A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland

    “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But they won’t forget the way you made them feel.” – Anonymous

    “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

    “If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe.” – Carl Sagan, astronomer and writer (1934-1996)

    “Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation.” – Henry Ward Beecher, preacher and writer (1813-1887)

    “The purpose of education is to keep a culture from being drowned in senseless repetitions…” – Harold Rosenberg (1906-78); U.S. art critic, author.

    “Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.” – Immanuel Kant

    “What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering.” – George Bernard Shaw

    “Language is an archeological vehicle… the language we speak is a whole palimpsest of human effort and history.” – Russell Hoban [Novelists in Interview]

    “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” – Groucho Marx

    “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” – Les Brown

    “I don’t consider myself bald. I’m simply taller than my hair.” – Tom Sharp

    “There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it’s only a hundred billion. It’s less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.” – Richard Feynman, physicist, Nobel laureate (1918-1988)

    “Ted Williams’ son wants to freeze his father’s body and sell his DNA. You know what he’s going to call them? Popsicles.” – Jay Leno

    “Almost three months ago, the United Nations Security Council gave Saddam Hussein his final chance to disarm. He has shown instead his utter contempt for the United Nations, and for the opinion of the world. The dictator of Iraq is not disarming. To the contrary, he is deceiving… the gravest danger facing America and the world … is outlaw regimes that seek and possess nuclear chemical and biological weapons. These regimes could use such weapons for blackmail, terror and mass murder. They could also give or sell those weapons to their terrorist allies, who would use them without the least hesitation. For the brave Americans who bear the risk, no victory is free from sorrow. This nation fights reluctantly because we know the cost, and we dread the days of mourning that always come.” – President Bush, Preparing Americans for possible war and accusing Iraqi President Saddam Hussein of showing “utter contempt” for the United Nations, in his annual State of the Union speech to Congress and the American people

    “The state of the union today is anxious. People are very concerned about their pensions, they’re concerned about their jobs, they’re concerned about the economy, they’re concerned about war in Iraq, they’re concerned about the war against the terrorists, they’re concerned about education.” – Senate Democratic Leader Tom Daschle of South Dakota, critical of the president and his policies on the eve of his State of the Union address


    Franklin Delano Roosevelt
    Born: January 30th, 1882
    Died: 1945
    Birthplace: New Hyde Park, New York
    Profession: Democrat. 32nd United States President (1933-1945)

    “A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward.”

    “A nation that destroys it’s soils destroys itself. Forests are the lungs of our land, purifying the air and giving fresh strength to our people.”

    “Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.”

    “Be sincere; be brief; be seated.”

    “Confidence… thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without them it cannot live.”

    “Favor comes because for a brief moment in the great space of human change and progress some general human purpose finds in him a satisfactory embodiment.”

    “Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort.”

    “Here is my principle: Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.”

    “Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough.”

    “I ask you to judge me by the enemies I have made.”

    “I pledge you, I pledge myself, to a new deal for the American people.”

    “I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.”

    “I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.”

    “If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships – the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.”


    Posted in Quotes | Tagged | Comments Off on Quotes (January 30th)

    Trivia

    Did you know ………

    It is impossible to lick your elbow.

    A crocodile can’t stick it’s tongue out.

    A shrimp’s heart is in their head.

    People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

    If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

    If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

    If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

    In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so – apart from Bones).

    It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

    A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

    Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

    More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

    Rats and horses can’t vomit.

    Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

    The “sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

    Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

    If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

    In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

    The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

    Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

    A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.

    23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

    In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

    Most lipstick contains fish scales.

    Cat’s urine glows under a black-light.

    Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.

    Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

    The dance, the Conga, originated in Africa-Cuba.

    The singing duo, Sonny and Cher, had a popular TV variety show in the 1970s.

    Why are typewriter keys arranged the way they are?
    When Christopher Latham Sholes patented the first practical typewriter in 1868 it had a problem. The alphabetical key arrangement caused the keys to jam when the typist worked quickly. Sholes asked his brother-in-law to rearrange the keyboard so that the commonest letters were not so close together and the type bars would come from opposite directions. This new arrangement was the “QWERTY” arrangement that typists use today.

    Is white chocolate really, well, chocolate?
    Not technically – While what we call white chocolate originates from the cocoa (cacao) plant, but it is not “chocolate.” According to the FDA, to be called “chocolate” a product must contain chocolate liquor, which is what gives it the bitter intense chocolate flavor (and color) to dark and milk chocolates. White chocolate contains cocoa butter, milk solids, sugar, lecithin and flavorings (usually including vanilla), but not the chocolate liquor. So it’s not really “chocolate” since no chocolate solids other than cocoa butter are present.

    What was the United States’ first real highway?
    On September 13, 1913, the famous Lincoln Highway, the first paved transamerican highway, was completed from New York to San Francisco. Prior to it being built, there were almost no good roads to speak of in the United States. The relatively few miles of improved road were only around towns and cities. A road was “improved” if it was graded; travelers were lucky to have gravel or brick. Most roads, though, were dirt. The Lincoln Highway was the first major roadway constructed with the automobile in mind. Later in 1928, thousands of Boy Scouts fanned out along the highway. At an average of about one per mile, they installed small concrete markers with a small bust of Lincoln and the inscription, “This highway dedicated to Abraham Lincoln.”

    Why can you see Mars’ moon Phobos from the poles?
    Phobos, one of the moons of Mars, is so close to its parent planet that it could not be seen by an observer standing at either of Mars poles. Phobos makes three complete orbits around Mars every day.

    Which takes more energy – melting snow or heating up a can of soup?
    Neither – It takes as much heat to turn one ounce of snow to water as it does to make an ounce of soup boil at room temperature.

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