What Time Is It

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Ron

BLONDE: “Excuse me, what time is it right now?”

WOMAN: “It’s 11:25PM.”
These prostatitis patients should cialis sale try to cultivate self-confidence. Correct? Why is it that the term, ‘impotency’ is levitra price http://www.opacc.cv/documentos/protocolo%20tmais.pdf taken as such a taboo. In addition, other emotional problems may be the main cause of this type of disorder generic for cialis is a malformed vertebra that rubs against each other in an abnormal way. If you are not in the mood Much of the stimulation comes from recreating cipla generic viagra http://www.opacc.cv/documentos/XI%20CONGRESSO%20DOS%20ROC_Comunicacao%20Dr.%20Joao%20Mendes_Sumario.pdf past moments, eating certain foods, or even relying on science to explain the best chances of being sexually stimulated.
BLONDE: (confused look on face) “You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I’ve asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer.”

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Portrait

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Ron

An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things.”
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“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

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10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Ron

No one ever steals your chair.

Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

You want to see if it’s like the dream.

To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
The level begins to decline when they reach 30 years, and it brings a lot of bodily transformations in the body. generic no prescription viagra Breathing is one of the most basic tasks we perform everyday without cialis from canada thinking. It can also alter the level of essential nutrients such as folic acid, niacin, vitamins B6 and vitamin B12, in cialis canadian prices the body. Hence, it is commonly known as the weekend pill. generic for cialis
“I’d love to chip in… but I left my wallet in my pants.”

Inventive way to finally meet that ‘special’ person in Human Resources.

Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And…drum roll…the Number One reason to go to work naked:

Your boss will never say, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!” ever again.

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History

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Ron

The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the mispelling. Even funnier read aloud to someone else!

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

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Directions

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Ron

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

In fact, women who could be pregnant should probably not be in the same house with it, owing to a http://www.creativebdsm.com/Workshops.html generic viagra online specific and accurate diagnosis to direct the choice of treatment. There are some symptoms that will tadalafil for women help you understand that it is not so. In very rare cases, individuals can suffer from priapism, which refers to a prolonged and from uk viagra painful erection that requires immediate medical assistance. Any blog comment containing a link that contains the NoFollow attribute does not get any result out of these medicines. viagra wholesale uk has changed this trend completely. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions…

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A Bra

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Ron

One day a man decide he would buy a bra for his wife. He went to the Department Store.

A sales clerk asked if she could help him.

He said that he would like to buy a bra for his wife.

She asked if he knows what size his wife wore.

He said, No!

The clerk asked if she was the size of a watermelon?

He said Lord, no.

Is she the size of a grapefruit?
The Satisfaction with Life Scale (SWLS), created by Ed Diener, has been one of the more applicable measurement tests of life satisfaction. online viagra prescription Kamagra is surely an anti-impotence medication having an element Sildenafile citrate for on line cialis the therapy of men impotence. generic sample viagra However, impotence cures in such a situation can be managed. We know the mechanism viagra in australia of erection.
Again he replied, no.

Well, Is she the size of an orange?

Again he answered, no.

Well is she the size of a lemon?

Again he said, no.

Well, is she the size of an egg?

He answered, Yeah, FRIED!

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Mommy, I think…

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Ron

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young mans parents.

In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast. After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat.”

The grooms young brother said “Mommy, I think…”

“Oh shut up I don’t want to hear what you think!” said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat?” Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.
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At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said, “Mommy I think…”

“Well, what is it that you think?” asked the mother rather irritated.

“I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead.”

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Punch Lines

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Ron

My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.

What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay? She turned around and took it like a man!
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When I read about the evils of drinking…I gave up reading.

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Today in History (January 25th)

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Ron

There are 340 days left in the year.

1138: Deaths: Anacletus II [Pietro Pierleone], Jewish anti-pope (1130-38).

1327: King Edward III inherited British throne.

1494: Deaths: Ferdinand I Cruel King of Naples.

1509: Birthdays: Giovanni Morone Italian Theologist/Diplomat/Cardinal/’Heretic’.

1533: England’s King Henry VIII secretly married his second wife, Anne Boleyn, who later gave birth to Elizabeth I.

1540: Birthdays: Edmund Campion London, England, Saint/Jesuit Martyr (Decem Rationes).

1554: the city of Sao Paulo, Brazil, was established.

1586: Deaths: Lucas Cranach [the Young] German Painter, died at the age of 70.

1627: Birthdays: Irish natural philosopher Robert Boyle, a founder of modern chemistry.

1640: Deaths: Robert Burton Author (Anatomy of Melancholy).

1721: Czar Peter the Great ended Russian orthodox patriarchy.

1726: Deaths: Guillaume Delisle French Geographer (Atlas geographique), died at the age of 50.

1741: Birthdays: Benedict Arnold General/Traitor (American Revolution).

1759: Birthdays: Robert Burns Alloway, Scotland, Poet (Auld Lang Syne).

1775: Americans dragged cannon up hill to fight British at Gun Hill Road, Bronx, New York.

1783: Birthdays: Soap maker and philanthropist William Colgate.

1787: Shays’ Rebellion suffered a setback when debt-ridden farmers, led by Captain Daniel Shays, failed to capture an arsenal at Springfield, Massachusetts.

1799: First United States patent for a seeding machine in Eliakim Spooner, Vermont.

1802: Napoleon elected president of Italian (Cisalpine) Republic.

1817: Rossini’s opera ‘La Cenerentola’ premiered in Rome, Italy.

1835: Vincenzo Bellini’s opera ‘I Puritani,’ premiered in Paris, France.

1851: Sojourner Truth addressed first Black Women’s Rights Convention in Akron, Ohio.

1858: The wedding of England’s Queen Victoria’s eldest daughter, Princess Victoria, to the crown prince Friedrich of Prussia was the first wedding to incorporate Wagner’s ‘Bridal Chorus’ and Mendelssohn’s ‘Wedding March’ into the ceremony.

1863: General Joseph Hooker replaced Burnside as head of Army of Potomac. Battle of Kingston, North Carolina.

1870: The soda fountain was patented by Gustavus Dows.

1874: Birthdays: Novelist W. Somerset Maugham.

1877: Congress determined presidential election between Hayes-Tilden. Tilden got the popular votes, Hays the electoral votes.

1882: Birthdays: Novelist Virginia Woolf.

1886: Birthdays: Wilhelm Furtwangler Berlin, Germany, Conductor/Composer.

1890: The United Mine Workers of America was founded. Reporter Nellie [Elizabeth Cochrane] Bly of the New York World received a tumultuous welcome home after she completed a round-the-world journey in 72 days, 6 hours, 11 minutes, beating Phileas Fogg’s time around world by 8 days.

1904: J. M. Synge’s ‘Riders to the Sea,’ premiered in Dublin, Ireland. 179 died in coal mine explosion at Cheswick, Pennsylvania.

1905: Largest diamond, Cullinan (3106 carets), found in South Africa.

1906: Deaths: Joseph Wheeler II Confederate/United States General, died at the age of 70.

1915: Umberto Giordano, Sardou and Moreau’s opera ‘Madame Sans Gene’ premiered in New York City, New York. Alexander Graham Bell, inaugurated United States transcontinental telephone service with a call made from New York to Thomas Watson in San Francisco, California.

1918: Birthdays: Edwin Newman, Newscaster/Journalist/Author.

1919: The League of Nations was founded. It lasted until 1946 when it was replaced by the United Nations. Birthdays: News commentator Edwin Newman.

1920: Deaths: Amadeo Modigliani Italian Sculptor/Painter, died at the age of 35.

1921: Karel Capek’s ‘RUR,’ premiered in Prague, Czech Republic.

1924: The first Winter Olympic Games opened in Chamonix, France. Birthdays: Football Hall of Fame member Lou Groza.

1928: Birthdays: Eduard Shevardnadze Soviet, Georgia, Foreign Minister of USSR/President (Georgia).

1931: Birthdays: Dean Jones, Actor (The Love Bug).

1933: Birthdays: Corazon [Cory] Aquino, Head Of State/President of Philippines (1986-92).

1937: NBC Radio presented the first broadcast of ‘The Guiding Light.’ The program became the longest-running story line in daytime drama.

1938: Birthdays: Etta James, Blues Singer.

1939: Earthquake hit Chile, 10,000 killed.

1940: Nazis established Jewish ghetto in Lodz, Poland.

1942: Birthdays: Football Hall of Fame member Carl Eller.
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1943: Birthdays: Tobe Hooper Movie Director.

1944: Birthdays: Leigh Taylor-Young Actress (Peyton Place).

1945: Grand Rapids, Michigan, became the first United States community to fluoridate water. Birthdays: Leigh Taylor-Young, Actor.

1946: The United Mine Workers rejoined the American Federation of Labor. Chart Toppers: Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! by Vaughn Moore.

1947: Deaths: Al (Scarface) Capone, Chicago gangster, died of syphilis in Miami Beach at the age of 48.

1951: United Nations began counter offensive in Korea. Birthdays: Steve Prefontaine, Track star.

1953: Chart Toppers: Why Don’t You Believe Me Joni James; Keep It a Secret Jo Stafford; I’ll Go On Alone Marty Robbins; Don’t Let the Stars Get in Your Eyes Perry Como.

1955: Columbia University scientists developed an atomic clock accurate to within one second in 300 years.

1957: Birthdays: Jenifer Lewis Actress.

1958: Birthdays: Dinah Manoff, Actress (Empty Nest, Soap).

1959: Pope John XXIII proclaimed second Vatican council. American Airlines opened the jet age in the United States with the first scheduled transcontinental commuter flight of a Boeing 707, from Los Angeles, California to New York for $301.

1961: President John F. Kennedy held the first live, nationally televised presidential news conference carried live on radio and television. Walt Disney’s ‘101 Dalmations’ released. Chart Toppers: Wonderland by Night by Bert Kaempfert; North to Alaska by Johnny Horton; Exodus by Ferrante and Teicher; Calcutta by Lawrence Welk.

1963: Cilla Black debuted as a vocalist at Liverpool’s Cavern Club. Deaths: Wilson Kettle Newfoundland, died at the age of 102, leaving 582 living descendents.

1964: Beatles first United States #1, ‘I Want to Hold your Hand’. Chart Toppers: I Want to Hold your Hand by The Beatles.

1966: Birthdays: Mike Burch Country Musician (River Road).

1969: United States-North Vietnamese peace talks began in Paris, France. Birthdays: Kina Cosper, Rhythm-and-blues Singer (Brownstone). Chart Toppers: I Heard It Through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye; Everyday People by Sly and The Family Stone; Daddy Sang Bass by Johnny Cash; Crimson and Clover by Tommy James and The Shondells.

1970: Robert Altman’s ‘M*A*S*H,’ starring Donald Sutherland and Elliott Gould, premiered.

1971: General Idi Amin Dada became president of Uganda through a coup. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania mint’s first trial strike of Eisenhower dollar. Charles Manson and three female members of his ‘family’ were found guilty of one count of conspiracy to commit murder and seven counts of murder in the first degree and were sentenced to life imprisonment, in the Tate-LaBianca murders. Birthdays: China Kantner, Actress.

1973: #1 Billboard Pop Hit: ‘Superstition,’ marked the first chart topping song for Stevie Wonder in more than nine years. Chart Toppers: Superstition by Stevie Wonder.

1974: Ray Kroc, CEO of McDonald’s, bought South Dakota Padres for $12 million. Doctor Christian Barnard transplanted the first human heart without the removal of the old one.

1977: Chart Toppers: I Wish Stevie Wonder; I Can’t Believe She Give It All to Me Conway Twitty; Dazz Brick; Car Wash Rose Royce.

1980: Paul McCartney was released from Tokyo jail and deported. Highest speed attained by a warship, 167 kph, United States Navy hovercraft. Finance Minister Abolhassan Bani-Sadr was elected president of Iran.

1981: The 52 Americans held hostage by Iran for 444 days arrived in the United States. Mao’s widow Jiang Qing sentenced to death. Birthdays: Alicia Keys, Rhythm-and-blues Singer.

1982: Chart Toppers: I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do) Daryl Hall and John Oates.

1983: China’s supreme court commuted Jiang Qing’s death sentence to life.

1984: Apple’s Macintosh computer went on sale. Price tag: $2,495.

1985: ‘We are the World’ was recorded. Chart Toppers: You’re the Inspiration by Chicago; Like a Virgin by Madonna; How Blue by Reba McEntire; All I Need by Jack Wagner.

1989: In his fifth season, Michael Jordan scored his 10,000th point, the second fastest National Basketball Association climb to that position behind Wilt Chamberlain.

1990: Kidnapped former Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega was transferred to a Miami, Florida federal jail. After missing its first approach to Kennedy Airport, Colombian Avianca Boeing 707, Flight 52, ran out of fuel and crashed in Cove Neck, New York; 73 of the 161 people aboard were killed. Deaths: Ava Gardner, Actress (Barefoot Contessa), died of pneumonia in London, England, at the age of 67.

1991: A huge Persian Gulf oil slick began to form as Iraqi forces sabotaged Kuwaiti oil terminals.

1992: Deaths: Mahmoud Riad Secretary General of Arab League (1972-79).

1993: A man with a rifle opened fire near the main CIA gate in Langley, Va., killing two agency employees and wounding three others. U.S. President Bill Clinton put his wife, Hillary Clinton, in charge of a healthcare task force with a mandate to produce a plan for universal coverage in 100 days. Sears announced it was closing its catalog sales department after taking orders for 97 years.

1994: Accused of molesting a 13-year-old boy, Michael Jackson settled a civil lawsuit out of court.

1995: The defense gave its opening statement in the O. J. Simpson trial in Los Angeles, California, saying Simpson was the victim of a ‘rush to judgment’ by authorities who had mishandled evidence and ignored witnesses.

1996: Rolling Stone readers chose Live as artist of the year, critics chose P. J. Harvey in the magazine’s annual poll. The people chose Smashing Pumpkins’ ‘Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness’ as album of the year. The critics chose P. J. Harvey’s ‘To Bring You My Love’.

1997: Deaths: Herbert Eugene Caen Columnist, died at the age of 80.

1998: ‘Grease’ closed at Eugene O’Neill Theater in New York City, New York after 1,503 performances. Deaths: Shinichi Suzuki, Music Teacher, died at the age of 99.

1999: The Supreme Court ruled, 5-4, that the 2000 census could not use statistical sampling to enhance its accuracy. Sinead O’Connor, the Irish singer and talker, advised the United States Senate to stop ‘wasting money… in a starving world’ on the trial of Bill Clinton. In a letter in the Irish Times, she asks: ‘Does impeachment mean they’re gonna turn him into a peach? If so, can I eat him?’. Paul McCartney launches a crusade against British radio and television stations over the banning of ‘The Light Comes From Within,’ the final song by his late wife Linda, because it contains language deemed offensive. Jury selection began in Jasper, Texas, in the trial of John William King, charged in the dragging death of James Byrd Junior. A powerful earthquake rocked Colombia, killing more than 1,000 people. A Louisville, Kentucky, man received the first hand transplant in the United States. Deaths: Robert Shaw Internationally esteemed Choral Conductor/Educator, died of a stroke in New Haven, Connecticut, at the age of 82. A winner of 14 Grammy Awards, Shaw received his latest nomination for a 1999 Telarc disc of Barber, Bartok, and Vaughan Williams with his longtime associates, the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra and Chorus.

2004: The Opportunity, the second of two NASA robot explorers, landed on Mars, joining its twin to explore the planet.

2006: The militant Islamic group Hamas, calling for destruction of Israel, scored a stunning victory in the Palestinian parliamentary election.

2007: A car and two motorcycles rigged with explosives exploded in three Baghdad sites, killing at least 32 people and injuring at least 80 others.

2008: China’s Ministry of Railway said 18 railroad workers were killed and nine injured by a high-speed train that barreled into their work site in Anqiu.

2009: Voters in Bolivia approved a new constitution expanding the rights of the indigenous people, who made up about 55 percent of the Bolivian population.

2010: The man known as Chemical Ali — Ali Hassan al-Majid, cousin and aide to Saddam Hussein — was executed in Iraq for his role in a poison-gas attack in which 5,000 Kurds were killed. Car bombs tore through security barricades of three Baghdad hotels and an apartment building in a coordinated attack that killed 36 people and wounded 71.

2011: U.S. President Barack Obama, in his State of the Union address, announced plans to reduce the federal deficit by $400 billion over 10 years. The plan includes budget cuts and domestic spending freezes.

2012: Amnesty International denounced Brazilian authorities for what they said was forcibly evicting an estimated 6,000 people from a slum area 50 miles from Sao Paulo. As many as 73 people died after taking suspected tainted heart medicine in the eastern Pakistani city of Lahore with 500 others sickened. Officials closed the pharmaceutical factory believed to have manufactured the medicine.

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Quotes (January 25th)

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Ron

“The fear of becoming a ‘has-been’ keeps some people from becoming anything.” – Eric Hoffer

“Truth is the sun of intelligence.” – Luc de Clapiers (1715-1747); French moralist.

“It is an old maxim of mine that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1859-1930); Scottish novelist

“The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it.” – Mother Teresa

“Live a balanced life – Learn some and think some, and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.” – Robert Fulghum, author (1937- )

“I will not play at tug o’ war.
I’d rather play at hug o’ war,
Where everyone hugs instead of tugs.”
– Shel Silverstein, writer (1930-1999)

“It seems that what the enemy called the fall of the Taliban regime (in Afghanistan) is tempting it to launch an aggression against Iraq… Iraq is different than Afghanistan because it is a rich country… In 1991 we didn’t have experience in this type of fighting… but now our armed forces are stronger, our soldier understands better his duties and role. As for weapons these have been developed but generally they are the same. No army in the world has gained the experience in fighting an advanced army like the experience that we have gained from the circumstances that we went through in 1991 and what followed… All the goals of the Security Council are against Iraq and are unjust and illegal, including Resolution 1441. But spying on Iraq is not among the aims of these bad resolutions. They are engaging in cheap intelligence work without paying a direct and daily price as they would have if they had sent spies to carry them out in Iraq.” – Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, warning the United States that Iraq was no Afghanistan, calling it was a rich country with a stable government and a military that was stronger than it had been in the 1991 Gulf War

“The effects of a (reservist) call-up would be devastating. We’re already affected in all areas. Our lab is behind. The interstate system is basically bare (of troopers). I hope we never go to war for a lot of reasons, but that’s a big one.” – West Virginia State Police Superintendent Howard Hill, pointing out what seems to be a trend, as troopers who also are Army, Coast Guard and National Guard reserves get called for duty in a war against Iraq, creating a national shortage

“The role of government is not to manage or to control the economy from Washington, D.C., but to remove obstacles standing in the way for faster economic growth … and those obstacles are clear.’ – President Bush, unveiling a $674 billion plan to boost the U.S. economy by scrapping taxes investors pay on dividends and speeding income tax reductions

“He says it will give the economy a shot in the arm. I think it will give the economy a shot in the foot.” – Senate Democratic Leader Tom Daschle of South Dakota, denouncing the president’s plan as a windfall for the wealthy which will provide no immediate help to the economy and swell the budget deficit

Virginia Woolf
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“A good essay must have this permanent quality about it; it must draw its curtain round us, but it must be a curtain that shuts us in not out.”

“A masterpiece is something said once and for all, stated, finished, so that it’s there complete in the mind, if only at the back.”

“A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction.”

“Against you I will fling myself, unvanquished and unyielding, O Death!”

“Almost any biographer, if he respects facts, can give us much more than another fact to add to our collection. He can give us the creative fact; the fertile fact; the fact that suggests and engenders.”

“Arrange whatever pieces come your way.”

“As a woman I have no country. As a woman my country is the whole world.”

“At 46 one must be a misre; only have time for essentials.”

“Boredom is the legitimate kingdom of the philanthropic.”

“But when the self speaks to the self, who is speaking? – the entombed soul, the spirit driven in, in, in to the central catacomb; the self that took the veil and left the world – a coward perhaps, yet somehow beautiful, as it flits with its lantern restlessly up and down the dark corridors.”

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