Rumours

Sterling Marlin and Ricky Rudd go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Sterling catches a fish.

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Ricky says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Dale Jarrett, Rusty Wallace and Robert Pressely found themselves in hell. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, behind the door was perhaps the ugliest 1973 Pinto they had ever seen.

It was multi-colored with plenty of rust and primer…dirty… dry-rotted interior..and you could smell it even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard: “Dale, YOU HAVE SINNED!!! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in the drivers seat of this car!!!”

And Jarrett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when the second door opened…and they saw an even MORE disgusting example of automaking gone wrong. It was a 1978 Gremlin it was over smashed in every which direction, covered in thick hand paint-brushed house paint and lots of “peace” symbols and hippie colors. It has a top speed of 34, the electrics don’t work, and the radio works but only plays the theme from “Alice” and you can’t turn it off.

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And Rusty, like Jarrett before him, was whisked off.

Robert Pressley, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst…when the third door opened…. And as the door…inched…open…., he strained to see the figure of… a 1998 Dodge VIPER!!!

Delighted, Robert, taking in the sight of this beautiful piece of Automaking Delight, Shiney and powerful this car is made to run like hell. Then he heard the voice of the Devilsaying:…

“Viper, YOU HAVE SINNED….

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a ‘code’ to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: “MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE.” Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: “Satisfaction to the last drop…”  So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: “ROTHMAN’S MATTRESSES”. So, the Mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says: “FULL SIZE, KING SIZE”. And Mother is happy again.
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Then it was the third one’s wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: “BRITISH AIRWAYS”. So mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints.

The ad reads: “THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.”

Little Benny was looking depressed, so his fourth grade teacher, Miss Feldman, asked, “What’s the problem, Benny? I hope it’s not homework again…”

“Well, uh, yes it is, mam” replied Little Benny. “I made my homework paper into a paper airplane.”

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“Oh, but it’s worse than that…” replied Little Benny, looking even sadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!”

Little Johnny was talking to his father about Suzy. “She sure is pretty, I wish I knew how to get her to pay attention to me,” he said. “She never says anything to me, I don’t think she knows I’m alive.”

“Well,” his father responded, “the best way to get her attention is to go up to her and pay her a compliment. Try saying something nice about her clothing, and she will remember you fondly. Ask her where she got it, that is a sure bet to start a conversation with a pretty girl.”

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Without blinking an eye she replied, “The same place you got your pants with the gear shift.”

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

“You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them.”

“All right,” said the farmer. “I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board.

I have a cook. She’s been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board.”

Occasionally, this is a usual condition but when it occurs periodically it becomes a matter cialis españa to be concerned about. Every couple wishes to enjoy order cheap levitra intimacy. viagra prices in usa To know more about medicines for erectile dysfunction or low sex drive. Some physicians suggest oestrogen creams sildenafil tablets in india so as to reduce the sensation that trigger premature ejaculation. “Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

“Yeah,” the farmer said. “There’s a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco.”

“Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that half-wit!”

“You’re talkin’ to him now,” said the farmer.

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

“That customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?”
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“Money back? Are you crazy???” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question.

So the uncle asked, “What is three plus four?” The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, “Seven.”

The uncle said, “Listen kid, you can’t count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets.”
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So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, “What is five plus five?”

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, “Eleven.”

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.

“Is that your grandmother?” I asked.

“Yes,” Chris said. “She’s come to visit us for Christmas.”
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“How nice,” I said. “Where does she live?”

“At the airport,” Chris replied. “Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her.”