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One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her.

“You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I do hope you don’t mind my looking at you.”

She told him she would rather he didn’t look so hard and that she didn’t consider herself that special.

“Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven’t seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look.”

So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn’t get drunk, and just sat quietly looking.

When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress.

“I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your breasts? I’ve never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you.”
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Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her breasts out of her bra.

“Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don’t know how much this means to me!” When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, “Please, please, let me just touch your breasts. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are.”

After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her.

Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, “Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh!!”

Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he’d like to do it again.

Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, “Yes, but I’ll have to wait a little while.”

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A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: “Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.

“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked her mom.

“I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!”

Confused, but weary of the child’s whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
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“Ouch!  It still hurts!  This cider doesn’t work!” she whined.

“What are you talking about?” asked her increasingly perplexed parent, “What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?”

“Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it incider.”

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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench complaining about their husbands.

“My husband’s losing his mind,” one lady said. “Last week he went out and spent $800 for a waterbed.”

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“Exciting, hell,” the first old lady said. “The way my husband’s thing has been reacting the last few years, that waterbed might as well be the Dead Sea.”

His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are “All right, listen up you heathens…”

He falls asleep during his own sermon. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.

Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, “Why can’t they just leave me alone?!”

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You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, “Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

Sarah Kay was studying the origins of foods in kindergarten. One day, she and her mother were walking through the grocery store discussing what ingredients went into various products.

Sarah Kay said, “Pork comes from pigs and beef comes from cows.”  Then she asked, “How DO they get the pork from the pig, Mommy?”

Her mother felt that the truth was the only way to go, so she explained that they kill the animal to eat its meat.

Horrified, Sarah Kay went past shelves staring at the meat and saying, “They KILLED a cow to get THIS?”  She could not believe it, and her little heart was broken.
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Then, they went to the bakery where Sarah Kay began to check out the various donuts and goodies.  She noticed a beautiful white cake and asked, “Mommy, what is this cake called?”

Her mother replied, “It’s an angelfood cake, honey.”

Immediately Sarah Kay’s eyes filled with big tears and she wailed, “You mean they KILLED an ANGEL to make this?”