Rumours

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

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The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, “Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches … and for the spirit in which they were given!”

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason ‘why this couple should not be married’. His reception wasn’t disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
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Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, “I’d like to order breakfast for two.”

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, “Make that five.”

“So one day I came home early and found him on top of the baby sitter!” Judi told Monika.

“What’d you do?”
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A high-school geometry teacher, started one lesson on triangles by reading a theorem.

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“Well,” he replied sincerely, “I’m waiting until you start speaking English.”

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”

“Really?” the other researcher replied. “Why did you switch?”
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“Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do.”

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?”

The The problem of cialis generic purchase the erectile dysfunction can be resolved easily by the intake of this medication. cheap tadalafil To be competitive, new treatments will need to be unique. foea.org cialis no prescription Asking too many questions or making the buyer visit different web pages shows that the website is not serious about business. It’s made from viagra sildenafil buy natural herbs with no side effects. father thought for a moment. “Yes, son. Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”

An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the Spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?” The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?”

She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.”

“Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?”

The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”

The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!
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But tell me,” he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?”

The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man. I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.”

“This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.”

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow, she’s going to let the County bury her!”

The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a book about their family history.

Horror of horrors!  They discovered that great uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder.  They were devastated.

They didn’t want that in the book, but they didn’t want to leave him out either.
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McCourt said, “Leave it to me.”

When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this: “He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly.  His death came as a great shock.”