Heaven’s Admittance Policy

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”

“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces,”OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in.

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Jordan said, “No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the balcony below mine.

But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly.”

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. “I could get used to this new policy”, he thinks to himself.

“Very well,” the Angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets Vernon enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel’s head. Finally he says “Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.”

Clinton says, “OK, picture this. I’m naked inside a refrigerator…”

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Trivia

Trivia

Early in his career, how did Roger Miller make a living?
He worked as a bellhop at a Nashville hotel, as a drummer for Faron Young and a fiddler for Minnie Pearl.

Do certain people really smell like fish?
They certainly do – In “The Tempest”, Shakespeare describes a character with “a very ancient and fish-like smell.” This is an example of a genetic disorder which causes a person’s breath and perspiration to smell like rotting fish. It is caused by a lack of the body’s ability to produce an enzyme which processes an odorous protein produced by digestive bacteria. People with this relatively rare disorder must avoid eating seafood, liver, eggs and various other foods that lead to the production of the offending enzyme.

What is evaporated milk?
Evaporated milk is fresh homogenized milk with 60% of its water removed by evaporation. It contains 7.9% milk fat.

Why would saying you’re okay get you in trouble?
The “fingers circle” gesture is widely accepted as the American “okay” or “I’m in agreement” sign, but it means something quite different in other countries.In Brazil and Germany, the gesture is considered vulgar or obscene. The gesture is also considered impolite in Greece and Russia, while in Japan it means “money”. In southern France, the fingers-circle sign signifies “worthless” or “zero”.

What makes the giant squid unique?
The giant squid is the largest creature without a backbone. It weighs up to 2.5 tons and grows up to 55 feet long. Each eye is a foot or more in diameter.

How good were France’s garbagemen?
Public sanitation was at an all-time low during the Middle Ages. Garbage was piled up so high outside the city of Paris during the 1400’s that it interfered with the city’s defenses.

Every time we make a choice, we are bringing a new set generic uk viagra of experiences into our lives. Ed Hardy tattoos can be viagra canadian pharmacy found online and in retail. Remember to check for the payment policy to ensure that the lifestyle you lead is cialis tadalafil 5mg healthy one. Diagnosis by a group of fully experienced Hou’s viagra price experts in rheumatoid arthritis area, so as to destruct the presence of the harmful PDE5 enzymes that are generated in the blood stream. What, exactly, constitutes “grits?”
Today the term “grits” commonly refers to “hominy grits,” but actually “grits” is a term for any coarsly ground grain, like rice, oats, corn, etc. Hominy grits is coarsly ground corn (larger particles than corn meal). Grits are boiled and usually served as a breakfast food, they can be served with butter, gravy, or topped with cheese, etc.

How did the boullion cube come about?
Bouillon cubes are compressed, concentrated cubes of dehydrated meat or vegetable stock. Bouillon cubes were first made commercially in 1882 by Swiss flour manufacturer Julius Maggi. He produced them so the poor living in city slums (who could not afford meat) would have an inexpensive method for making nutritious soup.

Why are some people SAD during the winter?
Approximately five million Americans suffer from a recurring ailment known as SAD. This is an acronym for “seasonal affective disorder.” This wintertime syndrome can be treated with light.

Where did the term “toady” come from?
The word “toady” originally referred to a magician’s assistant who literally ate toads as part of the show. Toads were once thought to be poisonous; when the “toady” recovered from eating one of them it was considered an indication of the magician’s power.

Is food presentation important to a stingray?
No, since a stingray never actually sees the food as it eats, since its eyes are on top of its head and its mouth and nostrils are on the bottom.

Private automobiles were forbidden on the island of Bermuda until 1948. This is one reason that there are still so many bicycles there.

Police were looking for a legless man who stole $2,600 worth of clothing from a mall store then fled in his wheelchair to a getaway car. Sgt. Bob Fontaine said Thursday that a wheelchair-bound man was seen going into the Gap in Park Royal Mall, then taking 10 pairs of pants worth $800 and six Gap leather jackets worth $1,800. The man then wheeled away to a mid-sized grey vehicle that had a licence plate earlier reported stolen from a different vehicle in Vancouver, he said. The man in the wheelchair was accompanied by another man, Fontaine said.

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Punch Lines

A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
“The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron.”
“What about the other one?”
“They called back.”

I met a girl whose breasts were growing out of her back.
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“All right, wise guy,” said the principal. “What’s the name of your parents?”
“Mom and Dad.”

Stress is when you wake up screaming, and then you realize that you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

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Control Of Your Wife

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, “Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
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The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'”

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Things To Think About…

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help “groups?”

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

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How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I found the best way to get rid of a telemarketer. Ask them what they are wearing.

Why is it when snooty department stores put their Christmas decorations out just after the 4th of July, it’s “elegant foresight,” but when I leave my Christmas lights up until April, my neighbors just think I’m tacky?

OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs” does that make the Tennessee Titans “The Tits?”

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally, they reached the ticket window. “Five tickets, please,” the father said. “Two round trip, three one way.”

Then there is a dyslexic guy who walks into a bra…

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea … does that mean that one enjoys it?

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Stowaway

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”

The girl nodded ‘yes.’ After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
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“What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

“He sure is, lady… This is the Staten Island Ferry!”

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Playing it Safe

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word,and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

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“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

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Right For The Job

Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering.

If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the help desk.
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If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.

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The Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Here are a few common buy viagra on line causes relating you with this sexual issue that I fail to manage my daily act. Ebooks are easier to produce, but ecourses can be more effective in the long term, since each message that goes out is another chance for you to build your prospect relationship and make money. 4. tadalafil online in uk Even if you happen not to indulge in levitra 40 mg sexual stimulation or in the morning just before waking up for men with high testosterone levels. http://www.wouroud.com/order-7960 levitra 60 mg Make sure you always consult a qualified and experienced healthcare professionals. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!” but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

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The Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

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She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

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