Humour for the Day
Quotes
We are so fond of being out among nature, because it has no opinions about us. - Friedrich Wilhelm
Nietzsche, philosopher (1844-1900)
In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep. -
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
Life is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it, but can describe it only from the vantage
point of distance. - Charles A. Lindbergh (1902-1974)
The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas. - Linus Pauling
Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. - Margaret
Millar
Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends and preserves. Its eternal goal is
life. - Smiley Blanton
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Carjacking Foiled
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping
bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to
use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!"
The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon
the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.
Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five
spaces further down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the
story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4
pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman...... No charges were filed.
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Champagne
When we moved into our new home, the first one we owned rather than rented, two of my husband's
friends gave him a bottle of champagne.
In the hustle and bustle of getting settled, the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten.
Three months later we held a Christening party for our third child.
Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, we remembered our housewarming gift.
In front of our guests, I opened the attached card and read it aloud, "Donald, take good care of
this one, it's yours!"
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Personalized License Plates
In Virginia personalized license plates are very common, since the state only charges $10 for them.
Many older couples will have their initials put on their license plates.
Today I saw the following plate: DIA - REA
If I were them, I probably would have reversed the order.
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The Reading of the Will
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the
house and $2 million.'
The lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the
business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I
would never mention him in my will - well you're wrong. Hi Dan!'
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Punch Lines
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
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Knock, Knock... Madame
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Madame.
Madame who?
Madame foot will be up your ass, if you don't open this door!
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Hillary and St. Peter
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on
the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth
and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.''
Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told
two lies in his life.
Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''
St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.''
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The Monk
A man joined a monastary. The order he joined could not speak for seven years. Then they could only
say 2 words. The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 word were "TOO COLD."
The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "BAD
FOOD."
The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "I QUIT!"
"Good!!" they said, "all you have done is complain."
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Age
Are you the oldest?
No - my sister is older than me.
And who comes after her?
Nobody. If anybody does they can have her.
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Little Turtle
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the
top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad
efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell
him he's adopted."
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Sam's Explosive Secret
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone
else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a
boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious,
asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the
middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The
explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a
net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it
all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every
fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it
in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are
you going to fish?"
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The Curse
An old man asks a Wizard if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard replies, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you."
The old man answers without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Birthday Party
A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to
interview the man on this special day.
"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," as the reporter.
"Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer. "And, I make it a point
to stay away from wild women."
Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed
by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of
whisky in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He,
he, he!" and then continued his pursuit.
"What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter.
Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"
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Crash
A doctor and a lawyer had a car crash on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a
little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor
accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure," said the lawyer, "after the police leave."
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So There
From comedian Drew Carey (former Marine)
"How many militant feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
"Two. One to change the bulb, and one to kiss my ass."
"That's right. I said kiss my ass. 'Cause I've had it. I'm tired of being pushed around. Tired of
being grouped in with all the dead-beat dads and rapists and lecherous bosses just because I'm a man.
All men aren't "potential rapists." I'm not a potential rapist. But, I am a potential murderer if all of
you don't shut up and get out of my face already.
You've ruined it for everybody. Everybody, do you hear me? Men, women, everybody. Because of you
and everyone else in this society that needs to play political victim and go to court instead of just
dealing with it themselves, no one can have any kind of fun anymore. Men and women can't flirt, or hug,
or look at anyone sideways because of you and your lawyers.
Are you happy? You've used a stink bomb to kill a few ants. And while I'm at it... Naval
Aviators, who are willing to die so that we can have low prices at the gas pump, should be able to throw
the wildest parties they can manage without one uptight biddy coming in and stopping it. There were
scads of women at that Tailhook party who were having the time of their lives, voluntarily being just as
debauched as any of the men were. Everyone who flew a plane, or even knew someone who flew a plane, knew
how wild those parties were and what went on. What did she expect?
A prayer service?
And why didn't she just throw some punches of her own when these couple of guys groped her? Why
didn't she give them what they had coming and just kick them in the balls? Didn't our tax money go to
teach her how to fight? I'm not trying to make the idiotic "she had it coming" argument here, which
would go something like "of course they grabbed her breasts, look how big they are."
Plus, just reaching out and grabbing some boob is wrong no matter what. When I was in college,
even at our most drunken fraternity parties we never acted like that. No matter how hard I try I can't
think of an excuse good enough to do something like that. But it's still nothing to lose a career over.
Besides, fighter pilots are supposed to be aggressive assholes. That's what we pay them for. I
don't know about you, but I don't want a navy full of fighter pilots who are gifted at giving
sensitivity seminars. I want mad-dog, rabid killers going to battle for me and mine. Man or woman. When
our stable gas prices are threatened by a Middle-Eastern Madman, when we want to force our form of
government on some poor, unsuspecting Latin American country, when uppity foreign diplomats "forget" to
pay their parking tickets, I want to be able to call on men and women who like to fight and drink.
I want a naval officer who knows how to whack some drunk in the balls when he grabs her tits, not
call a press conference and a lawyer.
If you're a wimp who doesn't know how to find the exit at a rowdy party, go fly a kite, not a jet
fighter."
So there,
Drew
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The Cowboy Without a Horse
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a
habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been
stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without
even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH,
I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is
back!
He saddles up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in
Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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Midnight Snack
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and
emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that
when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done
*poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. Ethel, he said, "George is doing fine.
Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true
that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is
through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, no! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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Fresh Popped Colonel
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a
soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died."
The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a
little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you."
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next
crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away.
The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather
still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"
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